Talking to teens about identity can be tricky. Maybe you don’t feel equipped with the right language, or the right knowledge to begin the conversation. We’re here to help.
What does ‘identity’ mean?
Biological Sex
Biological sex is determined by a person’s biology inclusive of their DNA, chromosomes, hormones, genitalia, reproductive systems and other markers of sex. A person may be born as female, male, or intersex. A person who is intersex has a combination of biological markers indicating both female and male (Did you know that approximately 1.7-4% of people are born intersex, that’s roughly the same amount as people born with naturally red hair 2%). This is not a part of a person’s identity that other people interact with much, unless they’re a medical professional.
Gender Identity/ Gender Expression
Gender identity is about how someone feels they relate to and identify with feminine and masculine traits. It is separate from a person’s biological sex. Gender may be expressed through the way someone chooses to dress, style their hair, activities they engage with etc. Gender identity is probably better represented as a scale between feminine and masculine, rather than specific categories. A person whose biological sex and gender identity align, may be considered ‘cisgender’, while ‘transgender’ refers to a person whose gender identity is different from their biological sex. This is the part of a person’s identity that other people will most interact with day-to-day. Gender identity may involve the use of different pronouns (she/her, he/him, they/them, she/they, he/they etc.) based on what feels most aligned for that person. A person may use a label such as woman, man, non-binary, gender-fluid, or many other terms to best describe their gender identity.
Sexual Orientation/ Attraction
Sexual orientation is how someone feels sexual attraction towards other people. This could be identified by who somebody has a crush on, finds physically attractive, or engages in sexual activity with. A person may be attracted to a different gender than themselves (heterosexual), the same gender as themselves (homosexual), ‘both’(bisexual), anyone regardless of gender (pansexual), or they may experience little to no attraction (asexual). It is important to note that attraction is an automatic, involuntary response that occurs in the brain – not a choice.
Why is family support so important?
Nearly 1 in 10 teenagers in Australia identify as LGBTQIA+. Some young people are open and expressive about their identity, but others are not due to a fear of judgement, non-acceptance, or potential conflict. Research shows that hidden identity can have significant negative impacts on a young person’s mental health and wellbeing.
How can parents support their teen who are exploring their identity?
Open Communication
Identity exploration is a deeply personal process, but being able to talk to people around a person including their family, can make them feel less alone in the process. Open communication involves listening without judgement and providing clear and unconditional support so that teens feel like they can talk to their parents without fear of things feeling extra uncomfortable.
If your teen is struggling to open up to you, a few ways to approach a conversation are:
During a car ride - sitting side-by-side can reduce pressure, minimises eye-contact and creates a clear destination and end point to the conversation
While engaging in a hobby they enjoy - creates a low pressure environment and a reversal of the usual parent/ child dynamic as the young person often teaches the older person how to apply
Providing a Safe, Inclusive Environment
An inclusive environment can look many different ways and may include physical displays of inclusivity such as books, art, flags, or other media that represent the LGBTQIA+ community. Using a person’s chosen name and pronouns is an important aspect of gender affirmation and feeling accepted. It’s ok to make mistakes sometimes, after all parents are human too! The important thing is to acknowledge and apologise for the error without making a big deal out of it or placing an emotional burden onto your teen.
How to avoid reinforcing typical gender roles and heteronormativity
Sometimes, society enforces gender roles without too much intention or thought behind them through the way they speak or act towards masculine or feminine individuals. These expectations may also manifest through sport, hobbies, or occupations – none of these are gendered activities, any person can participate in them (with the skills and qualifications required). These unspoken expectations can have a significant impact on how a person exploring their identity may feel about themselves.
Research shows us that internalised stigma is a massive contributor to poor mental health for those in the LGBTQIA+ community. Simple changes to language, such as using gender neutral terms until someone has shared their gender identity (e.g., partner, child, relative, they, them) can go a long way in dispelling heteronormative ideals.
When should parents seek support from a Psychologist?
Family therapy can be a great resource for navigating delicate conversations between parents and their children. A family therapist may help provide a safe space for expression, provide clear and accurate information around gender-affirming practises and gender dysphoria, and improve communication between parent and child by working through interpersonal skills in session. You can book a family therapy session by submitting an enquiry here.
It can be beneficial for young people to have an additional trusted adult they can speak to outside of their parent and school staff. Seeing a psychologist gives them an opportunity to ask questions and navigate their experience with a queer-affirming clinician.
Looking for general resources?
Victorian Equal Opportunity & Human Rights Commission
The commission has a great free booklet available to guide parents and carers through talking with their child about identity
Transcend Australia have a range of resources for both educating parents, and navigating conversations around gender identity, including fact sheets, guides, and helpful tips.
It is ok as a parent to not have all the answers. The important thing is that you can support your teen through finding the answers that they themselves are looking for.